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Published by Muriel Haber, Secrets For Successful Change: Your Silent Partner, is devoted to learning to live effectively and productively in today's fast paced, ever changing, double boiler, pressure cooker world. Its purpose is to help you through the changes you must face.

"The way things are is not the way thing have to be." -- Muriel Haber

1. Welcome
2. Article: Creating What We Fear The Most
3. What's New?
4. Tips For Stress-Free Living
5. A Thought, A Quote, or Something Lighter
6. Contact Information

Hello <$firstname$>!

Welcome to the April/May issue of my e-mail newsletter SECRETS FOR SUCCESSFUL CHANGE: YOUR SILENT PARTNER.

No, it wasn't your computer. And you didn't forget what April was all about. Due to the holidays, Easter and Passover, and other extenuating circumstances, I wasn't able to send the April newsletter. I do apologize and thank you for your understanding. I have included a few additional items originally meant for last month in this issue.

I hope you all had a happy and peaceful time during the holidays.

Spring, in all of its pastel painted glory, has finally shown itself in New York City. For those of you who picture this City as shades of gray and muddy red brick from the sidewalks to the walls of our skyscrapers, I have taken a few pictures (with Ami's help, naturally) of the streets of my neighborhood. If you thought that we city folk had to hike over to Central Park to enjoy the greenery or smell the tulips, I hope you enjoy the surprises Ami and I have found for you. We New Yorker's do like to decorate our sidewalks and our "front yards."

Each month, you will receive another issue. The initial purpose of this ezine is to help implement some of the ideas and goals expressed on my website. It will usually consist of a message from me, an article by me, and sometimes an article by another author. I will be offering ways to help you deal more easily with life's unexpected, unwanted and often unacceptable changes. I hope that by reading my publication you will find support and perhaps a feeling of camaraderie.

Any methods I've used when I've had to deal with seemingly intolerable situations will be available for your consideration. What will work for you may be very different from what worked for me or for anyone else. But I'll share with you what I have learned. One of my goals will be to guide you beyond the obvious. If you like, I will be the 'Silent Partner' that many of you are lacking.

I invite you to e-mail me at mailto:Muriel@HaberResources.com with any suggestions, questions, and topics you would like me to cover. I am also interested in any comments you have about this publication.

A QUESTION FOR ALL MY READERS:

I am writing an E-BOOK which will deal with divorce.

If you are thinking of getting a divorce or,
If you are in the midst of going through a divorce or,
If you are coming out of a divorce then...

I need your help!

I've gone through divorce and I know many of you have.

What I really need is for you to send me an email at mailto:muriel@haberresources.com and tell me what is the one thing you wish you'd known ahead of time that would have helped you cope with it better.

If you can, please tell me what word of wisdom you would offer that I can use as a quote in the book.

Please indicate if the quote should remain anonymous or if I can include your name, partial or entire. If you do not specify, I will not use your name and it will remain anonymous.

Everyone who sends me a "word of wisdom" that goes into the book will receive a free copy of the book.

Warmly,
Muriel

I am definitely not one of those people who believe that we are totally responsible for every single thing that happens to us. Some people, and not only parents, have proffered opinions that responsibility extends to everything that has ever or will ever occur in a person's life. That is not a view that I would ever buy into or suggest. Unless one is into guilt - big time. On the other hand, I would say that on a scale of one to ten when referring to responsibility, I used to be a 10+. Being a bit older and having encountered enough life experiences to better distinguish fantasy from reality, I would now rate myself as a 10-.

With the above in mind, I know, as you probably do, many people who are the major catalysts in the creation of many, if not most of the situations they experience. And that includes the ones they are afraid will happen. If you think hard, I'm sure most of you can think of at least one "friend" that fits this pattern. And if you think long and hard, I bet you will find, at the very least, one thing you have done that qualifies in this respect. I know I can.

If you aren't quite sure whether or not you have come across this behavior, let’s look at a few examples.

The Pusher:

The Pusher is someone who is convinced that his/her romantic partner will disappoint them by not being faithful, or by not loving them "enough", or perhaps by not showing them as much attention as they would like.

What often happens in this situation is that the partner in question feels the lack of trust. Beyond that, he/she eventually tires of the amount of reassurance the insecure partner requires, the kind of parental questioning that takes place. Thus begins a failure of communication that usually leads to one logical outcome.

Joe is convinced that his girlfriend, Marie, will eventually disappoint him by not being faithful. Having dated someone before who cheated during their relationship, he finds many similarities between the two women. The main one being that they are both female. He believes Marie is extremely attractive to the opposite sex and that other men will be banging down her door. The first woman proved his suspicions to be right and it doesn't take him far into this new relationship for him to start to feel that the current woman will likely behave in the same manner.

As a result of his doubts, he starts to ask Marie more questions. What he labels as proof of his interest begins to have more of the flavor of interrogations. As his questioning becomes increasingly detailed, he starts to notice that Marie’s answers are shorter, and that her tone of voice is impatient or just plain annoyed. One thing leads to another and arguments arise. She (correctly) feels that he not only doesn't trust her, but that there is no way to convince him of her true feelings towards him. She realizes that she only has two choices. Either learn to live with Joe's incessant questioning and need of proof of not only her feelings, but of her behavior as well, or end the relationship.

Eventually, Marie does break up with Joe, not because of another man, but because she cannot envision a future with someone as demanding, possessive and controlling as Joe has proven himself to be.

Joe holes up for a couple of months, lamenting his bad luck with women - not understanding why he always seems to pick women who can't be faithful to him. He finally accepts the truth. His truth. All women are the same.

Will Joe ever see that the problem wasn't another man but the result of his own hammering away at the relationship until he successfully pushed his girlfriend away? Let's hope so.

The Fortune Teller:

Leila called me because she had a goal which she had tried to reach several times but hadn't succeeded in achieving. She wanted to lose seventy pounds but although she had started several diets, and was successful in the beginning, she never was able to continue to her goal weight.

Although she was anxious to try again, she expressed doubt about her ability to successfully complete a program. We talked for awhile and came up with several ways of handling her objective while avoiding some of the pitfalls that seemed to have led to her previous failures. Because she had tried several different methods of losing weight and had committed herself to a varied list of weight loss programs, she agreed to think about what worked and what didn't. She was listed each program along with what part of that program worked more easily for her and which aspects were either ineffective or actually detrimental to her success.

Leila actually made a thorough and analytical list of the pluses and negatives of the various dieting methods. As she put it, concentrating as carefully as she did on the various aspects of each program forced her to look into herself and understand more about which methods served to support her in her quest and which parts of the various programs actually worked against her. Anything that she identified as a "trigger" was substituted with something less threatening.

Together we chose the positive aspects and eliminated the negative ones. Her program began and for awhile continued with good results. One day I received an email which contained a prediction. She wrote "I'm getting to that dangerous time - you know, I can go off the plan in a really big way. I can tell it's happening again."

I called her to talk about her email and try and work with her to identify and help her to create a method that would help her continue with the type of work she had been doing. She sounded quite resigned to the inevitability of the oncoming "binge" and because she recognized the old, familiar signs, decided not to work on any other appropriate tools to meet this latest development. She decided she was clearly powerless to change her responses.

Some time later she called and decided to try again. We agreed that the next time she wouldn't start off with the statement "I always diet for awhile and then I always binge." Instead, she agreed to substitute "I used to diet and then binge." We also agreed that if she felt the need to sabotage her program, we would discuss it and explore the methods she would employ to stop the feelings that used to overtake her. It was a whole new experience for her when she learned that we could actually structure a "binge" day for her. Of course, once it was planned, no matter what she planned to include in it, it wouldn't be a binge.

Do any of the following sound familiar to you?

"I'll never get a higher grade than a B-."
"Why should I go to the dance? No one ever asks me to dance."
"I hate going to parties. No one ever talks to me."
"Why get a treadmill? I never stick to any exercise program."
"Why clean the house? I never get company anyway."
"Why write/call to complain? No one ever listens."

If you, or someone close to you, has a self-fulfilling prophesy, feel free to write to me about it. If you'd like, I can address it in my next newsletter. (Anonymously or signed, that's up to you. If you do not specify, it will be anonymous.)

Although I won't always have this category, it's here because this is where you will find announcements of teleclasses. Some free, others not. There will also be announcements of other things such as a new Free Item on my website, a great new or newly discovered book or article by another author.

Here is where I just might list a new thought that I'd love you to know about - to ponder, consider, relate to.

** In my last email I told you about the Free Meditation Tape. I apologize for the glitch in getting these to you but you will be receiving them quite soon. The tapes should be mailed within 10 days. If you didn't send your address, please do that in the next few days.

*** I do have something new to mention to all of you. I don't even imagine that this applies to any of you, but it certainly could effect many of your friends, relatives, acquaintances, colleagues.

I have recently learned that 60% of the voting population of the United States does NOT vote! The number originally came in as 50% but it was re-calculated due to the fact that they had not allowed for those who were not permitted to vote due to status of non-citizen or guilty of a felony.

So, please, during this very important Presidential Election year, please exercise your right and your responsibility! Do not forget to register to vote. Registratiion is very much like anything else - if it goes on the bottom of your TO DO LIST, you just could lose the list.

Did you move?
Do you know someone who moved?
Did you just become a citizen?
Did you just turn 18?
Has your child, friend, niece/nephew, grandchild just turn 18?

Are you a woman? Many more than 50% of the female population of the United States of America have never voted. If that is you, and you need help, write to me and ask me or call me. Or call your local League of Women Voters or State Voter Registration. A voter registration form can be mailed to you. Many towns and cities have volunteers who will gladly give you a ride, if needed.

This is where I will be writing about what stress does to us, why it happens, and tips on how to reduce, eliminate and deal with it. Stress is so often the cause of our problems as well as the result of them that it really can't be ignored.

Following is a list of stress relievers. I've found that some of these really do make a difference. If you need to, make a copy of this list (or a few copies) and put them where they will be seen.

1. Smile, Laugh, Find Some Humor
Did you know that laughter actually lowers blood pressure? Smiling will generate a positive response from your brain - and from other people!

2. Go Outside
Studies have shown that patients recovering from surgery feel less pain, have fewer complications and recover more quickly if they look at trees than those who looked out onto a brick wall. Appreciate any flowers that arrive, even if you order them yourself.

3. Reach Out And Call Someone
Whatever you think you need during particularly stressful times, research has shown that it is better to share our troubles with others. Blood pressure is actually higher during certain medical procedures when the person is alone than when a friend is there to hold his hand.

4. Breathe Deeply, Slowly And Mindfully
Breathing from your diaphragm oxygenates your blood which helps you relax nearly instantly. Shallow chest breathing can cause your heart to beat faster and your muscles to tense up, exacerbating feelings of stress.

5. Write It Down
Writing provides perspective. Some people journal, others prefer to make lists. Divide a paper. On the left side, list the stresses you may be able to change. On the right side list the ones you can't. Change what you can.

6. Just Say No
Trying to do everything is a one-way ticket to serious stress. Be clear about your limits and stop trying to please everyone all the time.

7. Water, Water Everywhere - Soak It Up
Take a long, relaxing hot bath. If you are short of time, or don't have a tub. wash your hand and arms, and face with hot water. Imagine that you are taking a hot bath. After several times, it will feel like you are taking a hot bath.

8. Play It Again, Sam
Music is not only good for the soul, but effective at slowing the heart rate as well as increasing endorphins. Some favorites that have been used are "Pastoral" by Beethoven, "Nocturne in G" by Chopin, Pick yours.

9. Sleep, Glorious Sleep
Sleep has been getting a lot of press lately. In the United States, such a large number of people don't get enough sleep that it has been shown to be the cause of a large proportion of traffic accidents. It is particularly important to get enough sleep during times of stress. If you do not get sufficient sleep when going through stress, you will create a cycle of chronic stress. I guarantee, most of your functioning will not only be detrimentally effected, but so will your enjoyment of life and your ability to deal with and reduce the stress.

10. It's Not Just Puppy Love
I don't have to tell you what I think about this one. I already did that in my last newsletter (see my Ezine Archive at http://www.haberresources.com/archiveindex.html). Research has shown that those who owned a dog had lower blood pressure than those who didn't. If you don't have a dog of your own, visit a friend's. Just petting a dog for a few minutes helps relieve stress. Won't your neighbors be surprised when you start offering free dog walks?

Watch for the future topic of WORK/LIFE BALANCE, especially for women, but inclusive of the needs of our men (and their women).

Still feeling stressed? Check out my Stress-Free Living section at my website at http://www.haberresources.com.

The following article came to my attention today and I was so stunned I had to include it in this newsletter.

The Latest on Women's Health: State Rankings

6 States Flunk, 8 States Barely Pass; Low Grade for Nation

By Daniel DeNoon, WebMD Medical News
Reviewed By Michael Smith, MD on Friday, May 07, 2004

May 7, 2004 -- An American woman's health may hang on where she lives. Some states do very little for women's health, while some do a barely adequate job, according to a state-by-state analysis from the National Women's Law Center and Oregon Health & Science University. "The outlook for women's health is grim and nowhere near approaching the nation's goals for 2010 set by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services," Michelle Berlin, MD, MPH, of OHSU says in a news release. "Failing to meet these goals undermines not only the health and well-being of women, but the well-being of our country as well." The rankings are based on whether states have adopted 67 "key women's health policies." The only one of these met by all the states is Medicaid coverage for breast and cervical cancer. Only three states - New York, California, and Rhode Island - met more than half of these policy goals. Idaho, South Dakota, and Mississippi met the fewest.

Here are the state-by-state rankings, in rank order:

Major components of the rankings are based on:

Access to health insurance. Nationwide, 18% of women are uninsured. This ranges from 8% in Minnesota to a whopping 28% (more than one in four women) in Texas. Requiring insurance to pay for tests such as mammograms, pap smears, and colorectal cancer screening. Access to reproductive services such as contraception, emergency contraception, and abortion. Economic security issues such as minimum wage, paid family leave, and child support.

"F" grades on the groups' national report card goes to six states: Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas, West Virginia, Oklahoma, and Texas.

"Satisfactory minus" grades - meaning not quite satisfactory but not unsatisfactory - go to eight states: Minnesota, Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Hawaii, Colorado, and Utah.

All other states get an "unsatisfactory" rating.

The report shows that while many states made gains in some areas, they offset these gains by weakening women's health in other areas.

SOURCE: Making the Grade on Women's Health: A National and State-by-State Report Card, National Women's Law Center and Oregon Health & Science University, 2004. News release, National Women's Law Center.
© 2004 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.

Quotes

Habit is habit, and not to be thrown out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
- Mark Twain (1835-1910), was the pen name of Samuel Langhorne Clemens, one of the major authors of American fiction.

Happiness is the perpetual possession of being well deceived.
- Lytton Strachey (1880-1932), was an English biographer, essayist, and literary critic.


(Thank you, Mary Alice, for the above quotes.)
Mary Alice Orito, R-CSW, CASAC
Psychotherapist and Life Coach
mailto:MAO5oo@aol.com
Voice Mail: 1-212-420-2230

An Honest Thought - Think about this...

A half-truth is a whole lie.
- Yiddish proverb, as cited in "Jewish Wisdom" by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin.

This ezine is published by Muriel Haber, a life coach who helps people reinvent themselves during dramatic life change.

To send me email, Muriel@HaberResources.com.

To learn more about my coaching and program offerings, go to http://www.HaberResources.com.

You are free to use the material from my articles in whole or in part on your web site or ezine (email newsletter) as long as you include the attribution below and also let me know where the article will appear.

"This article is by Muriel Haber of Haber Resources, Inc. Muriel's web site is devoted to helping people reinvent themselves during dramatic life change. To learn more about Muriel's services and to get free resources on this subject visit http://www.HaberResources.com."

Copyright 2004 Haber Resources, Inc. All rights reserved.